Cruise, Engagment, New Year.

For Christmas week I took my family on a cruise, it was not our usual way of celebrating the birth of Christ, but somehow this year to be home was far to difficult to even imagine. The cruise was a blessing, for me personally it was the first time in a long time that I did not wake up filled with the reminder of what was missing, and the blackness settling over my heart. Unfortunately when I returned home that darkness returned, but at least I know it is possible to someday have it be not so intense.

We enjoyed a beautiful ship, having breakfast in our balcony overlooking a vast sea. Wondering about the ocean, how there is so much water and how God holds the water at bay. The most exciting part was the engagement of Dan and Nisha. It was nice to be with them, to see them in an different setting, seeing so much of John in Dan.

I wonder about a "New" year. We see it as a chance for new beginnings, change, if it was a bad year, hopefully a good year is coming. I don't know...I think I just need to take each day as it comes. I often feel so lost and confused, and especially lonely. My life was dedicated to keeping my home, making sure everything was right, taking care of my children and husband. Doing ministry together. Those roles are mostly gone. What now?? I have no idea, I keep hoping for some direction, but maybe I am not ready for it. The question "what are we doing today?" is just a reminder of the emptiness. I have nothing of value to do today. But I also know I do not want to serve myself. I wonder how on my own do I serve God? John and I were truly a team, my team mate is gone. It has been almost a year and it is not easier, in many ways it seems harder. I live in the reality of all that is gone and has changed, everyone else moves on. Life continues...but mine is forever altered.

This entry marks the end of this blog. I have decided that it is time to put this to rest. I might start another one, but this journey recorder here is finished, a new one begins. I am so grateful for those that read it, that pray for us, that love us, and especially that are hopefully changed in a good way by the faith written here. I trust God, it really is as simple as that. We all have to find our way.

Well completed

The well in Guinea is finished! For me this is the perfect Christmas gift, something that is a blessing to others. I had been thinking lately a lot about how we give gifts to each other for Jesus birthday, and again to ourselves for our birthday. So this is, for me, the perfect present - something that shows the love of Christ to others.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I have not had the energy to send Christmas cards this year, but I truly do wish each and everyone a wonderful Christmas filled with joy, the joy that comes from knowing our amazing God. Even though this has been the hardest, most heart breaking year imaginable - I have still seen the goodness of the Lord. He has sustained me and my family, and most important, it is because of the birth of Jesus, and the salvation that His coming brought, that I know without any doubt that John and Chris are with the Lord. They both loved the Lord. I can't wait to be with them, but until that day I will do my best to serve Him.

Blessing to all of you, and again Merry Christmas

Your not shaken

I am sinking in the river that is raging
I am drowning
Will I ever, rise to breathe again
I wanna know why
I just wanna understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?


When every little thing that I have dreamed would be
just slips away like water through my hands
And when it seems the walls of my beliefs are crashing down
like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh, You’re not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers
So grip me while I’m here
And I may never know why
Oh I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes,
and trust this is Your plan

When I am in the valley
of the shadow of death
You’re not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left
You're not shaken

He held back the rain

As we traveled to Oregon to spend Thanksgiving with Dan and Nisha, it had weighted so heavy on my heart the other task at hand. It was time to take John and Chris's ashes to the San Juan Islands to spread them. I had felt it was time to do this, and even though it seemed foolish to try and do it on such a short trip (we covered over 2000 miles in 5 days) somehow I knew it was the right time.

God showed up in a magnificent way, at least for me it was like He spoke His peace and approval over this sad and painful task. For many days the San Juan's had stormy weather. It had been raining continuously through Thursday, but on Friday as we traveled from Portland to the Islands, it seemed as if the clouds parted as we went. I thought, God, will you really grant me this request, that it be a wonderfully beautiful day. It had seemed in so many ways that God had been silent to my prayers, the reason for this trip being evidence of that. As we arrived to take the water taxi to the Island, the sky continued to clear, by the time we arrived it was so clear hardly a cloud was in the sky. The place we were to spread the ashes is a small rock island visible from my father-in-laws cabin, which overlooks the ocean. As we arrived on this small rock by boat, it was truly a beautiful sight. Dan, Nisha, Miheala, Chuck, Sue, Carolyn and myself walked the area spreading their ashes. When it was completed, although like Dan said, it was hard to believe we were there doing what we were doing, there was a gentle breeze that seemed to breath God's love and peace. As I looked around I realized that God had spoken and was speaking, it was a personal love message that it was alright, He has been and was listening to my heart.

That night the rain and wind came once again. I know God cleared the day just for us, He answered the desire of my heart for that time, and then further proved it was Him by bringing back the rain when we were done.

Plaques are down the hill from Chucks cabin, a place of remembrance. I hope I never forget just how faithful God was as He held back the clouds and rain so we could have a beautiful day to remember such wonderful men of God, who we miss so much, but know we will see again.

A Well

It is not usually my desire to share about how my family has given, John and I always felt very strongly that if we gave it would be anonymously. It helped us make sure our hearts were in the right place and that all the glory would go to the Lord. But I am going to make an exception, and share about how the money Chris had saved is being used by the Lord to be a blessing.

Chris was an amazing saver, he had a significant amount of money in his bank. Many years ago he had felt through the words of another the call to go to Africa, and especially to be somehow involved in "water wells". We did not know what the meant, but thought he would use his engineering skills to possibly help to one day drill wells somewhere in Africa. In some ways that made his leaving us before this was accomplished confusing, but God has a way of redeeming. This week the beginnings of that desire of Chris's is being lived out.

A village in Guinea, a African country our fellowship has adopted as a ministry, and where Mihaela went last summer, has begun drilling a water well that will be funded from Chris's savings. This village did not have a well of its own, they had to obtain water outside the village. I do not know all the details yet but I do know the people are very excited, and I am too. As much as it hurts, wishing Chris was doing this himself, I can see how God is using him to bless others in His name. The people will know it is because of Jesus and a young mans love of Jesus, that this well is being drilled.

I share this mostly so that you will pray for this well, that it will come in with clean water, and that when the villagers drink of it, it will be like the water that Jesus tells about, the water that is salvation. They will turn to our Lord and desire to know Him, the one who loves them and used His child Chris to be a blessing to them.

Let the Waters Rise

This song is beautiful and so accurately reflects my heart.

Poly sophomore who lost battle with cancer this summer remembered as inspiration to others

Poly sophomore who lost battle with cancer this summer remembered as inspiration to others

Quiet

Quiet, that is the word that describes my heart right now. I know it has been along time, over a month since I have posted, honestly I have just not been able to really articulate anything. I have felt a need to just be still, to try and hear the Lord's voice in the midst of my rambling mind. Even though my body has been quiet, my mind has been a whirl of thoughts, memories and sometimes overwhelming confusion. But I feel OK with that, I think for the most part it is just part of the process. Our pastor has equated what our family has gone through with Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome, I think there maybe some similarity, not to in anyway minimalism what our brave soldiers encounter in the war theater.

Earlier this month I visited Dan and Nisha in Chicago. They were there to take care of some business Nisha had with her apartment. It was such a wonderful time. I really enjoyed being shown around Chicago by Dan, we visited Museums and other "tourist" attractions. I had never had the opportunity to spend time with just Dan, and I found I so enjoyed his company, it was in many ways like I discovered my son in a new way, the man he has become. I think it brought some healing for us both also, just being able to casually talk about things and encourage each other. We took in a couple of shows, Jersey Boys and The Blue Man Group. Both were a lot of fun, Blue Man Group was very strange, very abstract.

I have been starting to seek the Lord on what is next for my life. I just started volunteering in a first grade class room in a neighboring town. I think I am going to really enjoy it. There is something about knowing that your helping children be successful. They are mostly Spanish speaking so need a lot of help with reading English. I loved their smiles when I would compliment them on how well they did reading to me. I've also been working on some much needed freshening up of the house. Painting the inside and also some of the outside. I love how the inside is looking, a little bit of color really makes a difference.

I want to thank everyone for caring so much about our family. Our journey continues, as does yours. Our God is amazing, in the midst of the hardest things you can imagine He is there, using it for His glory, giving His comfort and bring us through the storm. What is next here on this earth, I don't know, but I do know what is coming! Life eternal with those that have gone before us, and especially our Lord. I can honestly say I can't wait, but until that day, I will praise His name.

Emily's Quilt

Emily finished her first quilt. She started it as a project to do with Chris, however he was never able to really help her. She finally finished it to take with her to college.

Sequoia Park

Dan, Nisha and I took a day trip up to see the giant Sequoia Trees. It was a fun day, driving the BMW up the curvy road and enjoying the wonderful smell of the forest. I have attached a couple pictures of Dan and Nisha. It was such a delight to spend the day with them.

A word from Chris

I found this word from Chris in his wallet and thought it would encourage.

"I believe God has a purpose for me. I believe He takes all things and uses them for Hs purposes. He sent His son to takes man's punishment so one day we can be with Him. He is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. He never fails.

Purpose is important to me. The sanctity of life. Having something to value above myself. Having something greater than myself to be a part of. It is important to me to have something I'd give my life for." ~ Chris Champion

So very hard

This will probably not be very encouraging, but I guess it will be honest. It is so very hard, living itself it such a struggle. To wake up is to wake up into the "darkness" of life right now. It truly is something I think is impossible to understand unless you have walked in it. The loss of someone you love, but not just one person but two of the most important people of your life.

I am realizing that I have never been able to properly grieve the loss of my precious John, and now to add to that the loss of my dear and sweet Chris, well it is hard to even put into words. Tears are a constant companion.

Last week we went with Dan, Nisha, Myself, Mihaela, Emily and a couple of Chris's closest friends to spread some of his ashes in a special place he and Emily had. It was beautiful to do, Nisha and Dan sang the song they wrote for Chris's celebration of life, and it was even more meaningful there.

I miss my "family" so much, my role as a wife and mother, my purpose. I know someday it will be better. I know I will find a new purpose, I truly just want my life to glorify the Lord. I do find joy in seeing how John's and Chris's life have made a difference in others. Sometime I think I can almost feel their presence around me, but it always so fleeting.

Dan and Nisha are still here, probably leaving on Friday. They are such a delight to me. I have enjoyed them so much. They are taking a trip to Chicago to take care of some business the beginning of Sept. They have invited me to come - I think I might.

Lord give me strength to make it through!

Celebration of Chris's Life

There will be a celebration of Chris's life next Saturday. The details are below. As hard as it is, I remember how much Chris enjoyed when we celebrated his fathers life. Chris said that all he could do was smile seeing how many people loved and admired his dad. It gave Chris great joy. I pray for the same celebration in the midst of the sorrow. All are welcome of course, there will be time to share if you desire to.

Chris Champion Memorial
Saturday, August 15th, 2009 2pm
The Oaks Community Church
10200 Campus Park Drive
Bakersfield, Ca 93311
661-663-3888

In Lieu of Flowers please send donations to:

The Way Fellowship
Chris Champion Memorial
Missions Fund
PO Box 10717
Bakersfield, Ca 93389

What Happens When I Don't Pay Attention in Church.

This is a blog Chris wrote in November of 2007. I wanted to share it again, it speaks of what he believed and his heart during the storm.

So, today I went to church...
And, after the pastor said one thing during announcements, my mind was off on a tangent the rest of the morning. (As it is now... I'm forcing myself to pay enough attention to write this).
Oh. Text message.
And another...
Okay, so the pastor was talking about a prayer event that the church had earlier in the week. During it, it came out that one of the men in the group had cancer. So, they started praying for him.
And I started to wonder... if given the opportunity, what would I say to him?
And that was where my thoughts wandered for the rest of the morning. The pastor was talking about stuff in Acts 11... I remember bits and pieces of it, but I really don't feel guilty about that at all.
The first thing that I thought I would say to this man is that God has a plan for everything. Throughout the last year, that is one of the greatest things God taught me - sometimes, he chooses to use things like that to have a profound impact on those around us. There is no way that, without such a high-profile struggle, the people around me could have seen God's provision for me and my family and the strength that He gives us. I had countless opportunities to tell people that I wasn't doing anything special - that God was helping me keep things together. That God was the reason I didn't become depressed, or a total basket case. That God was the reason I am still alive.
And that was even echoed in the people around me. My whole family's struggle through things has done wonders to unite our church - given people opportunities to be the body of Christ - to do his work by showing his love and compassion. To pray for each other and support each other. It truly did intensify the sense of family with our church.
If everything in life stayed nice and perfect, there would be no need for God to support us. We wouldn't need him to lend us His strength. We wouldn't need His provision for us. We wouldn't need His mercy. In essence, we wouldn't feel any need for Him. Likewise, we wouldn't need the prayer and support of the people around us. They would have no opportunity to come together without any reason to. Without struggle, there would be no opportunity to build our faith and character in Christ and no opportunity to unite as a family.
I remember... a long while back... praying that God use me however He wanted to. I meant it too - whatever the cost, whatever I need to do - that He would give me every chance he could to do His work.
In hindsight, I'm thinking that probably wasn't the greatest idea.
I often wonder if this last year was a direct result of that prayer. God is up there, "Well, you asked for it." When I said that prayer, I didn't think about any possible permanent damage. Maybe being a bit embarrassed, messing up a bit, making a fool of myself, or whatever. But losing some physical abilities... never thought about it.
Although, I suppose the use of the word "permanent" in that last paragraph was fairly silly. There was only one real permanent effect of all this: the people whose lives were permanently changes. The people who might - just might - have seen a glimpse of God and His glory. The people who could have come to understand who Christ is, grown closer to him, or might have just had their heart softened just a little bit. That is permanent. Losing some function of a limb - who cares?
So, if you ever feel tempted to say that prayer - asking God to do whatever he can with your life - I'd suggest you rethink it. Do you really mean it?
What do you think you could lose? A bit of reputation? Some time? Some money?
What about having to leave everything you know? What about losing all security in life? What about losing your life?
So, before you go to God and say something like that, I really challenge you to think: do you mean it? Are you just saying that because it sounds good, or do you really mean it? Are you just being lukewarm, or do you honestly mean that you are ready to give up your life for whatever purpose God has for it?
I remember one of my first prayers after being diagnosed: "God, you better have some huge plans for this. Otherwise, I'm going to be pissed." I suppose he didn't give me any reason to be angry. The effect I've already had on people's lives is enough to make me honestly say that I would do it again, if given the choice. And I can't wait to see what else God has for me and my testimony.
I do mean that prayer. Every word of it. I hope you do too. After all, this life is only temporary.
Oh yea. I need to study physics. Exam tomorrow. Probably not so bright to be writing such a huge blog post right now. Eh. Who cares.
Look - another text message.

See you soon my precious Chris

Yesterday my dear and precious Chris left this world and graduated into heaven. I know he was greeted by his Lord Jesus and his father. But already it is as if there is a huge hole left where he was in my heart here and now. I can not wait until heaven, to be joined with John and Chris, and eventually our whole family and friends together. The depth of the loss is almost unbearable, Chris is such a light - no matter how bad he felt he would be so gracious, always thanking everyone who helped him. Each morning as I made him breakfast he always complimented me. Why he had to leave so young, I may never know, but I do know that somehow God will use it for His glory. That was Chris's hearts desire that if nothing else this would be used to glorify the Lord. As the word went out friends gathered to say "goodbye" to Chris. It was so special, with times of prayer and worship. I know Chris was pleased.

The last 3 months Chris was lovingly cared for by such devoted friends, who ensured that he was always comfortable, entertained, and especially loved on. I can not begin to thank enough those who walked this journey with Chris. It is strange this morning the quiet of the house.

Chris leaves behind his precious Emily, whom he loved with a passion and depth of someone far older than himself. I know his greatest sadness was not seeing the life they dreamed of fulfilled. They had made such wonderful plans for the future. But somehow God will restore these lost dreams in eternity.

I pray that God will give us strength as a family to bear this heartbreak. It seems like so much lose in such a short time, but I must trust God to be my families rock, to be able to rest in His arms until we can feel strong again.

As we continue...

For those of you who love and pray for our family, take the time to read about our struggles I guess it is time to post an update.

The last couple of weeks has been very heartbreaking, and especially the last week. Chris is now in a state of constant anxiety and often pain. It is apparent that he is in a place where he can not really share with us what is wrong which has made helping him that much more difficult. We have been trying various ways to relieve his distress, but really to no avail. Without the help of Chris's friends, Phillip and Brooke, I personally would have been lost. They have spent many nights and days watching diligently over Chris and lovingly trying to help him.

As I watch Chris and contemplate how this is where things are, I have to trust God at His word. That He will turn all this to His good, that somehow there will be lasting fruit from Chris's journey and our journey as a family. It is the only way to really begin to make sense of anything. Although it is hard to face, Chris's journey on this earth may be ending and his journey in eternity to begin. One thing that gives some peace is that I know John is there, and will rejoice in having his son with him once again. That this pain and anxiety will be forever gone and his wonderful smile and contagious presence will be full of life once again.

On another note, Dan is soon on his way home from two weeks in Australia. I am very glad he was able to make this trip, to spend time with friends from Doha days. As we recover from the loss of John and walk through the uncertainty of Chris journey - it is important to be able to feel free to do things that bring us joy in the midst of very trying times.

49 Today

That is how old John would be today, his 49th birthday. One of the most memorable birthdays I can remember for John was for his 40th in South Africa. That is where the picture above was taken. We were in a wild life preserve when we celebrated it with friends from South Africa. It was a fun day.

Long Time

It has been awhile since I have felt up to blogging. As I sit and spend time trying to think of how or what to say, I look at Chris, laying in bed continuing to struggle. He is such a brave young man, he perseveres through each day with pain, discomfort and anxiety, his hope still intact. I am amazed by his attitude and faith.

The last week has been especially difficult, for some reason swelling in his leg has returned which has caused a lot of pain and his breathing which was improving has become very difficult again making him feel like he is "suffocating". As a mother each day is a challenge, with many hidden tears. I am so grateful for my special friend Rille who comes each day to support and help. God has put many wonderful and special people in our lives that have truly blessed us beyond measure.

Mihaela is off on her mission trip to Guinea. She called today and said they had spent their first day in the village. It will be fun to hear all her stories when she returns. Dan has made his move to Oregon. He sent pictures of his house which has a beautiful backyard, I had forgotten how green everything is in Oregon. He was quite happy to be able to get instate tuition to PCC. It is really nice to have him much closer.

Would be 28 years

Tomorrow would have been John and my 28th anniversary. I confess I am very sad that we were not able to spend many more years together. I still sometimes think John will walk through the door after work, I miss him so much.

On another note, Chris is slowly getting better. He has good days and bad days, but through them all he has a good attitude. We are starting to work on him being able to sit on the side of the bed. He is still so weak, but slowly getting stronger. I just give thanks each day for his life, for the opportunity to be available to help and love him through it all. We have been reading the devotion book "Heaven", and it has so encouraged us both. Especially missing John and knowing that he truly is in heaven and that we will one day join him for eternity. I am especially excited about the new earth, this earth restored to how God originally planned and created it. How wonderful it will be.