For Christmas week I took my family on a cruise, it was not our usual way of celebrating the birth of Christ, but somehow this year to be home was far to difficult to even imagine. The cruise was a blessing, for me personally it was the first time in a long time that I did not wake up filled with the reminder of what was missing, and the blackness settling over my heart. Unfortunately when I returned home that darkness returned, but at least I know it is possible to someday have it be not so intense.
We enjoyed a beautiful ship, having breakfast in our balcony overlooking a vast sea. Wondering about the ocean, how there is so much water and how God holds the water at bay. The most exciting part was the engagement of Dan and Nisha. It was nice to be with them, to see them in an different setting, seeing so much of John in Dan.
I wonder about a "New" year. We see it as a chance for new beginnings, change, if it was a bad year, hopefully a good year is coming. I don't know...I think I just need to take each day as it comes. I often feel so lost and confused, and especially lonely. My life was dedicated to keeping my home, making sure everything was right, taking care of my children and husband. Doing ministry together. Those roles are mostly gone. What now?? I have no idea, I keep hoping for some direction, but maybe I am not ready for it. The question "what are we doing today?" is just a reminder of the emptiness. I have nothing of value to do today. But I also know I do not want to serve myself. I wonder how on my own do I serve God? John and I were truly a team, my team mate is gone. It has been almost a year and it is not easier, in many ways it seems harder. I live in the reality of all that is gone and has changed, everyone else moves on. Life continues...but mine is forever altered.
This entry marks the end of this blog. I have decided that it is time to put this to rest. I might start another one, but this journey recorder here is finished, a new one begins. I am so grateful for those that read it, that pray for us, that love us, and especially that are hopefully changed in a good way by the faith written here. I trust God, it really is as simple as that. We all have to find our way.