Cruise, Engagment, New Year.

For Christmas week I took my family on a cruise, it was not our usual way of celebrating the birth of Christ, but somehow this year to be home was far to difficult to even imagine. The cruise was a blessing, for me personally it was the first time in a long time that I did not wake up filled with the reminder of what was missing, and the blackness settling over my heart. Unfortunately when I returned home that darkness returned, but at least I know it is possible to someday have it be not so intense.

We enjoyed a beautiful ship, having breakfast in our balcony overlooking a vast sea. Wondering about the ocean, how there is so much water and how God holds the water at bay. The most exciting part was the engagement of Dan and Nisha. It was nice to be with them, to see them in an different setting, seeing so much of John in Dan.

I wonder about a "New" year. We see it as a chance for new beginnings, change, if it was a bad year, hopefully a good year is coming. I don't know...I think I just need to take each day as it comes. I often feel so lost and confused, and especially lonely. My life was dedicated to keeping my home, making sure everything was right, taking care of my children and husband. Doing ministry together. Those roles are mostly gone. What now?? I have no idea, I keep hoping for some direction, but maybe I am not ready for it. The question "what are we doing today?" is just a reminder of the emptiness. I have nothing of value to do today. But I also know I do not want to serve myself. I wonder how on my own do I serve God? John and I were truly a team, my team mate is gone. It has been almost a year and it is not easier, in many ways it seems harder. I live in the reality of all that is gone and has changed, everyone else moves on. Life continues...but mine is forever altered.

This entry marks the end of this blog. I have decided that it is time to put this to rest. I might start another one, but this journey recorder here is finished, a new one begins. I am so grateful for those that read it, that pray for us, that love us, and especially that are hopefully changed in a good way by the faith written here. I trust God, it really is as simple as that. We all have to find our way.

Well completed

The well in Guinea is finished! For me this is the perfect Christmas gift, something that is a blessing to others. I had been thinking lately a lot about how we give gifts to each other for Jesus birthday, and again to ourselves for our birthday. So this is, for me, the perfect present - something that shows the love of Christ to others.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I have not had the energy to send Christmas cards this year, but I truly do wish each and everyone a wonderful Christmas filled with joy, the joy that comes from knowing our amazing God. Even though this has been the hardest, most heart breaking year imaginable - I have still seen the goodness of the Lord. He has sustained me and my family, and most important, it is because of the birth of Jesus, and the salvation that His coming brought, that I know without any doubt that John and Chris are with the Lord. They both loved the Lord. I can't wait to be with them, but until that day I will do my best to serve Him.

Blessing to all of you, and again Merry Christmas

Your not shaken

I am sinking in the river that is raging
I am drowning
Will I ever, rise to breathe again
I wanna know why
I just wanna understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?


When every little thing that I have dreamed would be
just slips away like water through my hands
And when it seems the walls of my beliefs are crashing down
like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh, You’re not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers
So grip me while I’m here
And I may never know why
Oh I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes,
and trust this is Your plan

When I am in the valley
of the shadow of death
You’re not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left
You're not shaken

He held back the rain

As we traveled to Oregon to spend Thanksgiving with Dan and Nisha, it had weighted so heavy on my heart the other task at hand. It was time to take John and Chris's ashes to the San Juan Islands to spread them. I had felt it was time to do this, and even though it seemed foolish to try and do it on such a short trip (we covered over 2000 miles in 5 days) somehow I knew it was the right time.

God showed up in a magnificent way, at least for me it was like He spoke His peace and approval over this sad and painful task. For many days the San Juan's had stormy weather. It had been raining continuously through Thursday, but on Friday as we traveled from Portland to the Islands, it seemed as if the clouds parted as we went. I thought, God, will you really grant me this request, that it be a wonderfully beautiful day. It had seemed in so many ways that God had been silent to my prayers, the reason for this trip being evidence of that. As we arrived to take the water taxi to the Island, the sky continued to clear, by the time we arrived it was so clear hardly a cloud was in the sky. The place we were to spread the ashes is a small rock island visible from my father-in-laws cabin, which overlooks the ocean. As we arrived on this small rock by boat, it was truly a beautiful sight. Dan, Nisha, Miheala, Chuck, Sue, Carolyn and myself walked the area spreading their ashes. When it was completed, although like Dan said, it was hard to believe we were there doing what we were doing, there was a gentle breeze that seemed to breath God's love and peace. As I looked around I realized that God had spoken and was speaking, it was a personal love message that it was alright, He has been and was listening to my heart.

That night the rain and wind came once again. I know God cleared the day just for us, He answered the desire of my heart for that time, and then further proved it was Him by bringing back the rain when we were done.

Plaques are down the hill from Chucks cabin, a place of remembrance. I hope I never forget just how faithful God was as He held back the clouds and rain so we could have a beautiful day to remember such wonderful men of God, who we miss so much, but know we will see again.

A Well

It is not usually my desire to share about how my family has given, John and I always felt very strongly that if we gave it would be anonymously. It helped us make sure our hearts were in the right place and that all the glory would go to the Lord. But I am going to make an exception, and share about how the money Chris had saved is being used by the Lord to be a blessing.

Chris was an amazing saver, he had a significant amount of money in his bank. Many years ago he had felt through the words of another the call to go to Africa, and especially to be somehow involved in "water wells". We did not know what the meant, but thought he would use his engineering skills to possibly help to one day drill wells somewhere in Africa. In some ways that made his leaving us before this was accomplished confusing, but God has a way of redeeming. This week the beginnings of that desire of Chris's is being lived out.

A village in Guinea, a African country our fellowship has adopted as a ministry, and where Mihaela went last summer, has begun drilling a water well that will be funded from Chris's savings. This village did not have a well of its own, they had to obtain water outside the village. I do not know all the details yet but I do know the people are very excited, and I am too. As much as it hurts, wishing Chris was doing this himself, I can see how God is using him to bless others in His name. The people will know it is because of Jesus and a young mans love of Jesus, that this well is being drilled.

I share this mostly so that you will pray for this well, that it will come in with clean water, and that when the villagers drink of it, it will be like the water that Jesus tells about, the water that is salvation. They will turn to our Lord and desire to know Him, the one who loves them and used His child Chris to be a blessing to them.

Let the Waters Rise

This song is beautiful and so accurately reflects my heart.

Poly sophomore who lost battle with cancer this summer remembered as inspiration to others

Poly sophomore who lost battle with cancer this summer remembered as inspiration to others